(<--A stereotypical "Asian parent")
I initially clicked on this article thinking it was going to be a humorous article, but it turned out to be a serious (but still intriguing) argumentative piece coming from a real Chinese mother about why stereotypical Asian parents’ “strict parenting style” is better than that of “Western parents.”
Ms. Chua says that while Western parents generally are too “anxious about their child’s self-esteem,” Chinese parents know what is best for their child, which is hard work and determination (without giving up) and the belief that their child is capable of anything. For example, when a child gets a B on a test, she says that Western parents “will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure;” instead, they would assume something is wrong with the teaching or the school system. In contrast, a Chinese parent would “get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A . . . If their child doesn't get perfect grades, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.”
That’s just a single, small example in Ms. Chua’s article, which is a bit lengthy but well worth reading. Although I am Asian, my parents are more like the “Western parents” that Ms. Chua describes, and I always thought I would be miserable if I had so-called strict, punishing “Chinese parents.” Though I'm not anywhere being close to convinced, I think she made some good points about such authoritarian parenting. Regardless of ethnicity, what do all of you think of these contrasting parenting styles? Do your parents fit in either the “Western parent” or “Chinese parent” category? Any other opinions about the stereotypes?
9 comments:
I think it is good if parents try to help their children get good grades, but throughout high school I've seen more and more instances of parents who do it to an extreme level. I believe that "authoritarian parenting" is only good if it is done in a healthy manner where the parents and the child can maintain a happy relationship. Making sure your child is using their time wisely, checking a few test grades, and giving them a tutor or other needs to succeed is perfectly fine. I have a problem when parents overly do it and force their children to spend every hour of their weekend doing SAT prep homework, check schoolloop more than the child does, and then yell at their child for getting a B+ instead of an A. Recently, with colleges becoming more competitive and with $2000 SAT classes becoming more prevalent, I've seen kids walking around campus who are overly stressed, and not just about their school work but with their overly strict parents as well. If a student is working their hardest and still not getting positive feedback from their parents, they will becoming depressed, hate their home-life, and maybe even rebel. While Facebook-stalking, I bet many of us have seen the overly worked, sheltered, straight A, high school kids go off to college and turn into wild crazy party animals as soon as they get away from their parents. Overly working and stressing out your kid is not healthy, is hurting rather than helping them.
-Sandy Frank
I think that a more strict approach when dealing with unacceptable grades is definitely the best approach. By trying to make a student feel that work of a B, B+, or A- for that matter, caliber is acceptable just further pushes them into a state of accepting mediocrity as the highest level of achievement open to them, that is truly the only unacceptable truth of the matter.
Despite sometimes being frustrated beyond belief because of my Chinese parents, I actually think that the Chinese parent philosophy is pretty good overall. I think it is good for the child to be pushed to the best they can be. However, I have slightly more Americanized Chinese parents so my upbringing is not exactly traditional. As important as it is for parents to push their children, I think it is also important to let the child know that they care about the child and to give a little praise once in a while. In short, I think a Chinese mother in moderation is best.
In general, I believe that parents have to the right to raise their children however they like, whether it be the "Western" way or the "Chinese Mothers" way. While, like Nicole, I get frustrated with my Asian parents, I still advocate stricter parental control. Children and teenagers don't always know what's best for themselves. However, I disagree with the "excoriate, punish and shame" technique described in the article. I think that's going a little overboard..
"[N]othing is fun until you're good at it" - flat out false.
"[Chinese parents] assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently." - This is a good point, actually, but strength is not the same as invincibility from verbal abuse.
There is something to be said about force-feeding success through perseverance, but it's a risky all-or-nothing tactic and can lead to even worse outcomes (read: self-esteem) if it doesn't ultimately succeed.
I've usually held the contrasting belief that children have to want it, and (being one of those who want it) to hell with those who don't. But it's true that before a certain point people simply don't know what they want, leading to regret when it's too late once they do. Maybe it is possible, and in some cases expedient, to create passion... as long as you make sure it succeeds.
I believe that there are a large amount of fundamental flaws in that article, in addition to what Anthony has pointed out. My parents have been through rote memorization before. What does it do for them? Absolutely nothing. My mother was the top in her calculus class, and by now cannot even remember any concepts. Neither of them remembers their history well. Rote memorization is not superior to the concept-based teaching style most Western schools use.
Also, I would like to point out that the author's style of parenting removes social aspects completely. Nothing, zip, zilch (check that bulleted list). This is quite dangerous, as children raised up this way lack social skills- which is incredibly important in the world outside of the sheltered stereotypical Asian hone.
In addition, note that the author leaves out all other extracurricular activities. This results in a child that will never learn anything different, providing a sense of tunnel-vision. It also presents a very disturbing idea, that certain interests are better than others. Is piano and violin inherently better than the other instruments? I think not, and the whole musical community will agree with me. Are academics inherently better than drama or music? By leaving choices out, kids are left unable to explore anything else. And if this is really the best, do we really want a world of nothing but academics, pianos, and violins? That would be truly depressing.
Now there are some good things to be said, that sometimes parents should force things onto their kids. I myself would not enjoy music if my parents did not force me to practice piano in my elementary school years.
But note this: they did not threaten me like the author did with her children. Rather, when I wanted to quit, they let me choose, and demonstrated their love for music- and that made all the difference. Although parents should promote their favored interests, ultimately I believe that it is in the child's best interest to leave it up to him/herself when he/she can make an informed decision. Don't make your childrens' lives a living hell. They'll do better without it.
This "Chinese parent" form of getting their student to learn is harmful to the student. The students self esteem could be greatly hurt, because they are not robots and need to have constant support. It's not like they are going to have their parents there all the time to make sure they get "perfect" scores. This teaching style is assuming that everyone has the same intellectual capacity which I doubt is true. Some people aren't as motivated to absorb information. When these people go into the workplace, they often fail at tasks assigned to them.
This is due to:
1) thinking that everything has to be perfect, and when they don't reach perfection they crash.
2) Lacking real life skills when it comes to solving problems. Example: Worksheets and tests aren't part of real life experience, a student could be good at remembering facts and how to apply equations but that isn't really necessary. In the workforce, employers don't require their employees to remember how to do a task perfectly; most of them have reference sheets that they can access at anytime.
3) Constant studying inhibits social growth. Example: Do you really think that someone that gets straight A's gets out that often? They don't get a chance to experience life to the fullest because they are so busy. Social skills are necessary in real life. Because who really wants to work with someone that hasn't developed any personality?
The child should be the one pushing themselves for success, with a little parent help of course. Or later in life they will burn out and reject learning and applying their knowledge.
Students should get the ultimate decision in how they use their life. Usually around Junior year, a student shouldn't have to have their parents to tell them when to study or what to do. The "Chinese mother" teaching style often prevents ambition and independence, something that is wanted in an adult life.
The more I think about it, the more I can't help thinking that this article sounds (disturbingly) like a satirical piece.
I concur with Anthony. This article is probably not serious. Probably either a satire or a troll piece. The stereotypes described in this article are just a bit too over-the-top to be taken seriously, such as with the recommendations of verbal abuse.
I think that parenting style really depends on the individual. My parents have mostly taken a hands-off approach with me, and it's worked quite well. Some kids may need more motivation though.
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